Tonight was a journal night. Not a blog night. It was a private I-may-never-want-to-read-it-again-let-alone-let-anyone-else-read-it kind of night. And that is why I am forever grateful for paper and pen. Paper can be the best of listeners. Especially for someone like me. Someone who bottles up emotion. Someone who talks a lot, but talks very little about feelings - positive or negative. Just ask my ex. I have to be pushed and pushed and pushed to open up. I thought maybe he taught me how to open up. But tonight, after some serious self-examination, I realized I'm still lacking in that department. I just don't like talking about my feelings. Despite my love for
vulnerability, I stink at letting myself be vulnerable.
Whether it's an "I love you" or a "You hurt my feelings", chances are I've never told you.
But here's to making a new effort to open up and be vulnerable. Baby steps. First I'll be vulnerable to myself. I'll admit my feelings to me. And then to my journal (again, paper = best friend). And maybe, one day, I'll open up to actual people. That's the goal. Eventually. But for tonight, I'm just satisfied with progress made without being pushed.
Lisa-
ReplyDeleteI have come to figure something about me and maybe about mankind in general, we want everyone else to be vulnerable, we will love everyone, carry everyone else's burdens' let them poor their hearts out, and even encourage it, but often and this is always the case with me I want to carry my own burdens and emotions because when we share them with others we do let ourselves be vulnerable. I am working on that too!!